There are so many people out there that homeschool that provide their kids with an amazing experience. My hat is off to those families. Having homeschooled for 2 years, and sending them to public school for 2 years, and now coming back home at the start of this year, I feel I saw enough of both worlds to see where we fit. I want to be their mom not their full time teacher. I want to be the mom who picks them up at the end of the school day with a smile on my face and eagerness to see them. I want to allow them to grow with my guidance but also making and seeing mistakes on their own. I want to have them come home and talk to me about their day and feel at peace to be home. When you are home 24/7 a lot of these things are taken for granted, at least for us. It felt like I was fighting with them more than I was having quality time with them. Days melted together. School was always done. It was done well and quickly. But then I would feel like I wasn't doing enough cause we still had so much of the day left with nothing to fill it with. A lot of free time leads to problems when you have a kid or two that thrive on a schedule. The problem is I don't necessarily thrive on a "busy work" schedule, it causes me stress and anxiety.
My kids have gone back to public school. I am at peace with my decision. Over the last four months of homeschooling I have come to realize that my heart and head are not into it anymore. I gave it a chance and told myself that if I was still in doubt that I would sign them up to start when the kids went back after Christmas break. At the beginning of December my feelings still hadn't changed. So I went into the enrollment office and re enrolled them.
It is all purely selfish. I am choosing me as a happy mom and individual rather than a stressed out mom. My homeschooling hat has been hung up. Homeschooling had always felt unfinished after I sent them back to public school. I had had a rough year prior and was at the end of my emotional rope when I had made that decision. Then I sat and wondered if it was really a choice I had made or the circumstances made for me. I always had the thought that I would bring them back home again. A month into it this summer and I had my answer already. It just never felt right. I tried to convince myself it was, but I was just telling myself lies. I loose myself in it. And I like me, when I'm not stressed out and spreading myself too thin.
**I must admit that I did cry that morning. It's been 11 years since I was home by myself, that's an adjustment.
